Zero To Sixty

It’s so hard to apologize

Over the screaming, blaming, and anger

How can I find the words to say anything meaningful,

When I’m so lost in defending, and why am I defending, and trying to level this thing down

How did we find ourselves drowning

In a sea once a storm of love

The gears change and the car comes to a screeching halt, I’m floating into the dashboard

What is happening, I thought I was safe with you no matter what

How did we come to this

There’s some deflecting and now

You say I’m playing the victim but

Am I a victim of gaslighting

Am I a victim at all

I can’t see anything beyond whatever this is

This zero to sixty emotional highway

Please tell me we can work through this

But am I just wishing on the wrong things

I’m trying to understand thrown words

A simple mistake that turned into something I can’t explain

I’m anything but angry but my guts are turning

And it’s just impossible to find serenity on this highway you control

Swaying in and out of traffic

My life flashing before me and I’m remembering a relationship so similar to this

Am I destined to be in this kind of love

Racing, strenuous, pulsing, frightened of what you’ll do next

I’m struggling to find the will to find some stability

All this yelling is going nowhere

All these words don’t reflect who we are

At zero to sixty I’m no longer sure

It’s Been A Minute

It’s been a minute

Since I felt you in my arms

Lavender in your hair

My inner wolf to tame

Our bodies twisted roots

A candle wick in flames

It’s been days

Since we’ve spoken

Cargo of ideas and dreams

Lambent lips spilling passion

Empty hand once held

Escaping into oblivion

It’s been months

Since we’ve made plans

To meet in a strange city

Or familiar place to dine

To reflect on our lives

Over empanadas and wine

And now it’s been years

Since I’ve found comfort

Tossing sheets at our feet

To feel your desires on me

Rapid pulse and sighs of release

Something tells me I’ll wait, infinitely

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~ Eugenio Saenz Jr., It’s Been A Minute

Scream

I can’t help myself

I want to scream

But I don’t want anyone to hear

To know

That randomly you fill my thoughts

Every moment we ever had

Every breath we shared

From our birth

Reaching out for you

To bring you closer

From our home to mountains

Through foreign countries

To day excursions

We ravaged, burned through life

And love

We were close and grew distant

Removed, remote, separate, apart

I was rowing towards

The view of sinking sun over Earths edge

Having random thoughts

Rummaging through letters

I never wanted to fight

Just wanted to love

Never give up

Never let go

Never lose control

Never wanted to leave your side

Never wanted to cry

But you left and I did

The day blackened

And you rid of me

And I held on

I hold on

To half a dream come true

To the other half I scream

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~ esj

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~ Eugenio Saenz Jr., Scream

Absent Goodbyes

I have to stop blaming myself
For the lack of your words
For the absent goodbyes

I know I was there
God knows I tried
My name was not on your list
Of priorities I cried
And at the time I was blind
Investing in your soul
Planting memories
While you were seeking goals
Things I thought we do together
When all along you planned
On leaving, forever

But I have to stop blaming myself
For the way you left broken skies
And endless cries
For the lack of your words
And absent goodbyes

I don’t know why I didn’t see
When your messages did not return
I was nothing to you
While I lie awake yearning your voice
Now I know it wasn’t me
You were a star out of reach
And there wasn’t enough time
For us to to find each other
For lovers to make amends
To hold one another
And discard our inevitable end

But I have to stop blaming myself
For the way you left broken skies
And endless cries
For the lack of your words
And absent goodbyes

~ Eugenio Saenz Jr.

Distractions

I lifted the lid
Foam leveled with the rim
Damian Rice playing over speakers
Sitting across from you
A rendezvous
A few blocks from the sea
It’s how we spent our time
How I knew I was yours
How I knew you were mine

It’s how I pictured our life
Traveling from place to place
Collecting mugs and selfies
Making the world smaller
With every discovery
But as the years past
Your glance grew askew
A new phase took over
You on your phone and me on you

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~ esj